IRS Unveils New Program


In the wake of the failed Bureau of Land Management attempt to collect grazing fees from a Nevada cattle rancher, the Internal Revenue Service unveiled a new program. Wanting to stay on the leading edge of revenue collection, the IRS is constituting a new unit. This new collection unit will be outfitted with all the latest in up to date technology and military grade firepower. Agents will of course have all the usual in conventional combat weapons such as: assault rifles, body armor, Kevlar helmets, tactical ballistic shields and grenade launchers, but they will also have all the latest in crowd suppression equipment such as: high volume tear gas dispensers, long range acoustic devices, rubber bullet launchers, and of course plenty of night sticks. They will also have extensive breaching equipment to assist in entering residential buildings and homes to include: battering rams, pry bars, gas powered saws, pneumatic cutting shears, portable welders, telescoping ladders and of course, explosive shape charges. This new unit will also be equipped with a wide array of armored combat vehicles that could be used to suit any tax collection situation.

This unit will wear black uniforms, of course to facilitate night time or early morning operations. It’s rumored that the unit will carry the name Internal Revenue Special Services. The unit insignia will bear two lightning bolts in place of the “SS” in “IRSS”. These lightning bolts will be a symbol for the speed and efficiency with which the IRSS collects the government’s tax revenue. The unit insignia will also bear the deaths head as a reminder of human mortality, namely yours’.

Typically governmental agencies recruit from former and current military or police personnel when constituting new units of this nature from scratch. In this case, most of the potential recruits raised moral and ethical objections with the overall philosophy and mission of the unit. Therefor the IRSS had to use alternative means to attract personnel with the needed skill sets and familiarity with the nature of the mission. The IRSS needed personnel familiar with weapons and revenue collection tactics. With police and military candidates ruled out due to arising moral conflicts, the IRSS turned to former violent crime convicted felons. This solution was touted by many progressive community organizations for resolving a pressing social issue. Many former violent crime convicted felons have a hard time becoming gainfully employed after they have paid their debt to society. Included in a senior IRSS administration press release “This program will provide jobs for violent felons and help them reintegrate into society. There needn’t be any concern for public safety as the former violent felons have already paid their debt to society and must not have any violent felony convictions within the past 18 months, although this requirement can be waved in the interest of a perspective recruit.” The IRSS Training Coordinator commented that the skills of the former violent criminals complimented the mission of revenue collection nicely, and the violent ex-convicts seemed to take to their new positions of authority without any hesitation. When an advocate for ex-convict employment was asked how victims and their families’ might feel about the people that victimized their loved ones being given such authority, the response “Most of these ex-cons victims are dead, they need jobs and taking people’s things by force is right up their alley.”

Amid concerns that the these heavily armed specialized service units could be used to target members of President Obama’s rather substantial enemies list, senior IRSS staff commented “These units will most certainly not be used to target, round up and seize the assets of specific members among the president’s political adversaries, and if they are used for that purpose I reserve the right to assert my 5th amendment right not to incriminate myself after I’ve stated that I did nothing wrong.”

With the new IRSS collection program being hailed as a great success even before it has begun, other federal agencies are said to be considering a militarized components. First among them is rumored to be the United States Postal Service.


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