eVictimize, Michael Bloomberg’s ideal Anti-Self-Defense Website


Billionaire and Former Mayor of New York Michael Bloomberg recently spent 50 million dollars of his personal fortune to fund his anti-gun rights agenda. This massive financial commitment to curtail the Second Amendment Rights of Americans was used to create several anti-gun organizations such as “Everytown Against Gun Violence” and “Mayors Against Illegal Guns”. Sources report that a new website benefiting from such agenda driven funding is revolutionizing the anti-self-defense victimization process. The website is called eVictimize and is the ideal technological component to enhance Michael Bloomberg’s anti-self-defense campaign. eVictimize gave us a detailed explanation of how their service works.

“eVictimize is a revolutionary computer matching service. Our proprietary computer software matches attackers with victims based on an in depth 100 question survey. We take all the guess work out of criminal victimization.   Our website matching system finds matches to give attackers that truly satisfying criminal victimization experience. Of course if you’re a victim your survey answers don’t matter because your attacker makes all the choices about the victim’s identity, and the time and place of the attack. Victim’s don’t have any options but to whimper in fear, pray that they survive and hope that long term psychotherapy is covered by their insurance plans.”

By registering as victims on eVictimize you are agreeing that you not only have no intention of defending yourself or your loved ones, but that you don’t even possess the means. Since eVictimize is an anti-self-defense based service website, victims must check the box stating that they don’t own guns and are incapable of armed self-defense. If you are wondering who would do such a thing, many American’s are abdicating their constitutionally protected rights to keep and bear arms and have stated so publically in their association with anti-gun activist groups. A modern cultural misconception is the belief that anti-gun laws stop criminals (who are forcefully segregated from society in prisons precisely because they don’t obey laws) from using guns to victimize people. This false narrative has been growing in popularity. Anti-gun advocacy further departs from logic by stigmatizing not the crimes or criminals using guns, but the guns themselves. Criminals using guns to victimize people get a pass, as if it is the existence of the gun itself that incited the criminality. The belief that the gun is inherently bad also makes its use in the act of self-defense somehow morally equivalent to its use by criminals in crimes.

Satisfied Customer Testimonial

I use eVictimize almost exclusively now to attack and victimize vulnerable people. I really like looking at the profiles and pictures. The matching system really takes all the guess work out of choosing victims. I just click on the attack experience that I’m looking for. I’m into the power trip of shoving a gun in the face of a defenseless person. I like to see them beg for their lives and degrade themselves. See I’m a total loser in my personal life. I don’t have any money cause I can’t hold down a job. Liberals in society tell me that it’s everybody else’s fault that I’m a loser cause there’s no social justice in America. That makes me feel better about being a loser, so I support liberals. I would vote Democrat if I wasn’t a convicted felon. I still vote anyways even though it’s illegal, but don’t tell anybody. Because there’s no social justice I’m entitled to attack people that have it better than me. Boy do I hate successful people, cause their success just makes me feel so much worse about what a failure I am. The one thing I don’t like is when a victim lies on their profile and has a gun. The fact that I wouldn’t be the only one with a gun during an attack scares me. If a victim pulled out a gun, I wouldn’t get my satisfying power trip and I could even get hurt or killed. I really hope Michael Bloomberg is going to do something about victims trying to defend themselves.

One major reported problem with the site has been armed self-defense enthusiasts fraudulently registering as victims and then defending themselves when they are attacked. Can you imagine the criminal attackers being led to believe that they are about to victimize a defenseless citizen, only for it to be a self-defense practitioner that pulls a gun and defends themselves. Tragically, some criminals have already been injured and killed. Billionaire Anti-Self-Defense Activist Michael Bloomberg has vowed to use his vast personal wealth to criminalize self-defense by law abiding citizens. Sources close to Bloomberg said his response to violations of the website anti-self-defense agreement will be strong. Representatives of anti-gun rights organizations responded: “It’s understandable that unfortunate criminals would resort to violence, but there is no excuse for a supposed victim to use a gun to defend themselves. We will not allow people to just use guns in self-defense willy nilly.

American’s are very familiar with billionaire former Mayor of New York Michael Bloomberg for is anti-freedom advocacy. Everyone remembers Mayor Bloomberg banning big gulp sodas because he said that Americans were too fat. His answer to the American obesity problem was to ban sale of cups of soda that were over 32 ounces. Anti-Freedom Activist Michael Bloomberg’s sentiment on the matter of gun-rights is clear, choice is the problem. Americans are not smart enough or capable of making decisions in their own best interest. If someone can’t even amass a personal fortune of a measly ten million dollars, how can you trust their judgment? I mean any decent person would never touch a gun, that’s should be left to your personal security personnel. If you don’t have personal security guards you’re not important enough to be worried about your security anyways. I’m a billionaire so I’m smarter than everyone on the planet, my score in the game of life proves it. The American people must acknowledge my superiority and obey the rules I set for them. Who could think in their best interest better than I. One thing that I won’t stand for is this right to bear arms in self-defense that they’ve had. I mean they could even defend themselves against me. They could defend themselves from someone that’s just trying to impose order on them for their own good. With all the armed peasants out there you never know who might try to steal my fortune, and we just can’t have that.

Unsatisfied Customer Testimonial

I thought it was cool to take a stand against gun violence by signing up as a victim on eVictimize. I thought that declaring that I will not use a gun to defend myself would affirm my commitment non-violence for everyone to see. This was just one of the ways I would show everyone that I’m better than they are. I was attacked and beaten by criminals with guns. I don’t understand, they wouldn’t listen to reason. I kept telling them that I sympathized with the plight of intercity youth and that I would gladly assist them financially. They just laughed in my face and pistol whipped me for no reason at all. I peed in my pants and they made me beg for my life. It was pathetic. Imagine if my family would have been with me. Who knows what would have happened. I’m getting a gun and I will learn how to defend myself. Don’t learn the hard way that being a victim is leaving your survival in the hands of unfeeling savages. You have a natural right to self-defense, use it.

Why do anti-gun activists target law abiding citizens and not criminals?  It’s because they are complete cowards. They aren’t intellectually honest or brave enough to address the social issues behind ignorance and poverty. Furthermore; they’re afraid of confronting violent criminals because they can only be managed by force. That makes over civilized wimps that have been insulated by their vast wealth feel anxious. Pro-Tyranny Activist Michael Bloomberg is just one of the progressive powerful elites attempting to use false pretenses to disarm Americans in their own self-interest. His ideal website eVictimze is either another dangerous liberal progressive device to take away your rights or it’s a poignantly targeted political ridicule using a false pretense to illustrate the absurdity of the whole anti-gun, anti-self-defense philosophy.


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